20 November 2013

So Long Farewell

It's been a while.  

Today I met with some new, rather lovely mums I've met through Williams pre school. We talked about many things and the topic of blogging arose.  I talked about my blog. Blogging and the world I seem to pop in and out of. Never hanging around  too long before creeping away, only to be reeled back in. 

I read my previous posts and realised the reason. This blog is no longer for me. I will never delete it but feel things have changed so much, I've changed so much it's time to start over. A new me, a new blog. 

I remember feeling the way I did but still can't believe how overwhelming the emotions were. I am now so in love with both my beautiful boys it's difficult to comprehend feeling how I did back then. 

Life is still incredibly demanding and can be pretty tough but the difference now is I get so much back. William with his incredible ability to turn every situation into an exciting adventure. Drawing us all into his amazing imaginary world. I see so much of myself in him, the good the bad and the ugly. He helps me correct the aspects of me I'm not so keen on and fills me with pride when he displays the acts of kindness and goodwill, I work so hard to instill in him. 

Thomas has come on in leaps and bounds too. He still has problems with glue ear which remains the root cause for most of the stress in the house but with the bond we were missing for so long, firmly back we now understand each other. We have developed unique ways of communicating and with consistency and hard work he is beginning to understand the confusing world he is part of. He now knows he is loved and in return let's us know he loves us too. He is on the waiting list for grommits and we hope this will improve things further.  

He is growing into a very beautiful, funny and bright little boy. I am incredibly proud of him. He has had a difficult start but shows determination of spirit in everything he does. Every day he makes me laugh. He pushes me to the edge too but he makes me smile and melts my heart. 

As for this blog. I really think this is the end of the road.  I hope to see you all again when we're up and running on our brand new blog but until then I wish you well and thank you all for reading ....x x 

21 February 2013

The Gallery, Boys

They love; 

Puddle jumping

Running in the woods

  Rough and tumbles with daddy

Baking and sticking with mummy

Kisses and cuddles

Bath Time and

They're silly cocker spaniel

But most of all, they love being

These are my boys.  The Le-bon Boys. My world.

The gallery is hosted by the lovely Tara over at Sticky Fingers.  For more enties or to find out more click on the link below

17 February 2013

Let The Bonding Begin

After writing my last emotional post I felt an immediate sense of relief.  I said out loud how I was truly feeling and it felt good. Thanks to all your comments and of course Twitter, I now feel like I have an army of support. Instead of drowning in guilt I have a renewed sense of focus and the energy once again, to zoom in and out.

It seems I'm not alone.  I'm not the only mum who is struggling with a child with glue ear. I don't need to be banished to the "rubbish parent camp" and i'm not completely inadequate for my lack of those inate maternal bonds, every parenting book and course describes.

You've made me realise, I'm not depressed, I do love my son but right now I'm finding things tough. Looking after a difficult baby and meeting the demands which go with it, is hard work and can understandably affect the way we feel about each other.  As with the reflux he had in infancy, it's not life threatening and he will eventually grow out of it. If we're to stay afloat and beat the current, we need to keep Thomas as comfortable as possible and work that bit harder at trying to understand him and make his little world a happier place to be.

The past few days have bought about a change in him too.  Maybe a reflection of how I'm feeling or possibly and more probably linked to the fact his recent hearing test indicated although his right ear is still fluid filled, his left is now clear.  I said before a switch had flicked in me but likewise it seems the same has happened to him.  He squeals with excitement when he hears a ciren and frantically hangs out his pushchair looking for the source.  He's interacting and engaging with us more and intently observing and repeating our every word.  Baby babble of course, he's not yet of an age to hold a converations but as so far we've barley heard anything but crying from him, it's wonderful.

Another thing we've noticed, is the permanent attachment of all things noisy to his left ear.  It made us sad.  We assumed it was because of the deafness he was experiencing but apparantly not. It's actually because he can now hear the sounds the objects are making. His hearing test indicated he's compensating the hearing loss on his right and can now hear quite clearly.  The test was more conclusive as with each and every sound Thomas heard he was so over excited he kicked his legs and in turn the audiologist.  She said it made for an easy test and one that dramatically differed from his previous test six weeks prior.

She also felt his constant crying and dsitress could be linked to what older children with the condition describe as a "shut in" sensation, caused by dulled hearing, a feeling not too disimilar to being under water.  With one ear clear, although still an obvious annoyance on the right, the ability to hear as helped him  reconnect with  the world around him and us the people who love and cherish him.

We've had a far more enjoyable week, full of cuddles, kisses and smiles. We've concentrated on engaging Thomas in the things he loves and of course setting time aside for the prince (William) who all too often gets forgotten in the Chaos.

That's a post for another time though.  For now we, The Le-bons, want to say a very big thank you to each and every peson who has offered advice, support or kind words of encouragement and support.  It's definitley not going to be plain sailing but at least for now we know what we're up against.  The good days we'll ebrace and the bad, well, on the advice of the audiologist, we'll wear ear plugs!


10 February 2013

The Flood Gates are Open

I've spent the day deliberating whether or not to publish this post.  This space was initially created to keep a journal of my family but like so many, I soon realised that blogging offered a whole lot more.  A community of people who love, support and genuinely care for one another.  Through the good times, sharing ingenious ways to survive parenthood and keep our broods, fed watered and entertained and when times are tough, providing a life jacket of love and support to keep us afloat.

I've been distant for a while or "in hiding" as I like to put it but a recent call from my sister prompted me to reconnect with a community I have desperately missed.  She wanted me to know there had been another tragedy.  A nine month young baby girl had died.  Jennie @Edspire and her family are enduring every families worst nightmare.  The death of their beautiful baby, Matilda Mae.  I now know why they call it a heavy heart.  I switched on my computer and felt my heart sink.

I read each and every heart rendering post and felt overwhelmed with grief and emotion for a heart broken mummy.  I read the words through blurry eyes as tears tumbled down my face and bounced off my jumper.  I know her honest, beautiful words are touching the hearts of the nation but since I shed my first tear, I've barely stopped.  At first I thought nothing of it.  Never have I read such raw emotion. I cannot imagine any parent reading with dry eyes. But I soon realised, for me it had flicked a switch.  The flood gates were open.

It's no secret to those closest to me that I've struggled to bond with Thomas.  As I continue to read Jennies grief stricken words, I'm filled with both overwhelming sadness for her tragic loss and guilt. An unimaginable, unbearable amount of guilt.  Guilt that I do not feel for Thomas, the way she clearly does for her children.  That the unconditional love and adoration that comes with being a parent just isn't there.  Every fibre of my being wants to love my baby boy the way every mother should.  It's so difficult when his tears do not stop and I, his mummy can not soothe or comfort him.  I have no idea how to connect with him.  How to reassure him that i'm fighting to find out what causes him so much distress and that I love him.  Occasionally we have fleeting moments when he kisses or cuddles me or makes me smile with his dancing but for the best part I feel exasperated, frustrated and quite honestly broken.

The doctors neither seem to know, agree or what seems like care about why our boy is so unhappy.  He has glue ear and they have put it down to this.  I accept it could be PND which is affecting my ability to bond with him.  It would be silly of me to dismiss it. It would certainly account for my low mood, anxiety and short fuse.  It's only when I see my poor husband desperately struggling with him also that I'm inclined to think the problem may be more to do with him than me.  That my emotions are reactions to constantly living in a stressful environment instead of a mis diagnosis of depression and that his fretful cries stem from a undiagnosed health problem rather than being related to having a depressed mummy. Either way we need to know and try to do something about it.

I'm a nurse. At work I'm kind, caring and compassionate.  I lead in a focused, calm and pro active manner. I'm passionate, determined and happy.  I'm resourceful and confident and take time to listen and learn. This is the person I should be at home with my family.   Surrounded by the most important people in my world. Things have to change for us and if I have to knock on every door in London I will.  Until we work out what is dividing our family and severing those vital bonds we so desperately long for.

Jennie I can not convey in words, how utterly devastated I am for you.  I understand why you continue to blog through your darkest hours and admire your ability to do so, with such compassion and kindness for others.  I hope you find comfort and solace from a family of people who genuinely care for you and feel your pain.  I hope also that you understand why I needed to write this.

Beautiful Matilda Mae, may you rest in peace with the angels and light the skies with your gorgoeus smile and Thomas, my beautiful baby boy, know that I will work to get us through this.

To those of you who welcomed me back today  @mummyandbeastie @mummydaddyme, @dear_beautiful_ @jessies_kitchen @sahmlovingit @twopointfourchi thank you for doing so without question or judgement.  It's so nice to be back.


19 November 2012

Baby Gifts You'll Want to Buy

I was recently contacted by Dawn, mum of three, with number four on the way and owner of a small family run business.  Always in awe of any mum who can manage school runs, bottles, nappies and a run a business I was happy to help spread the word about her lovely website.

Jellybabys is an on line baby gift store working with many fabulous brands to supply everything from clothes and accessories to nappy cakes and toys.  I personally love the gift box sets. Often rightfully accused of being indecisive, they completely take the stress out of choosing a gift. They look very personal and cater for all budgets.  

And  what about this gorgeous play suit? I scarcely hear people disagree when I grumble about the lack of  choice when it comes to boys clothes. Trying to find them without slogans or cartoon characters plastered all over them is a never ending mission for mums like me.

It's a bit different to what Thomas usually wears but the moon-crater spots, teamed with bright stripes makes for a super cute look. It's made from GOTS certified organic cotton, which in simple terms means it doesn't contain contain any allergenic, carcinogenic or toxic chemicals, even the poppers are nickle free. Its better for our little ones delicate skin and also helps save our environment, supports farmers and helps in the fight against animal cruelty. What do you think? It got the definite thumbs us from us.

It really is one of the many perfect gifts Jellybabys has to offer. Thomas loved this UglyDoll too.  Made from soft felt it was immediately popped in his mouth and even made it into his cot.

So ladies and gents, there you have it.  If you're looking for a baby gift you now know where to go

Happy shopping


16 November 2012

Happy Birthday Gramps

This week we've been utterly blessed to have Gramps to stay.  We've had adventures on the bus, train and underground, exploring the Science and Army Museum, trips to the park and play dates at soft play.  The best day by far though was Wednesday, as it was Gramps birthday.  William came running out of his room shouting "Gramps, the clocks yellow and it's Wednesday and it's your birthday!" before bursting into an excited rendition of Happy Birthday.  He opened all his cards, followed by all his presents and was delighted to show him the "pirate pants" he picked out by himself after seeing gramps in his underpants and blurting out "see mummy he do need new pants!"

Auntie Carol and Cousin Andy then popped over for a cup of tea with the birthday boy and whilst they were here we had a special delivery from Bakerdays.....a gorgeous letterbox cake.  A new product innovation from Bakerdays designed to be posted and drop safely onto the mats of your family and friends. It’s the right size to fit through the letterbox so you don’t have to worry about someone being in to take delivery.  Small enough to fit through the letter box but large enough to celebrate the biggest occasions, including our very special Gramps, this sweet little package made us all smile.

Packed in beautiful little tin to keep it fresh, complete with candles, balloons, a card and party horn, it really was a unique gift and Gramps loved that we had a photo of him and his boys printed on it.  If you haven't heard of them before then click here.  We honestly can't recommend them enough. Not only did the cake look lovely but most importantly it tasted delicious.  There were five flavour options and we opted for the madeira.  We shared it between six of us and even Thomas managed to grab a piece and let out a "yum yum" which made us all laugh.  William of course blew out the candle for Gramps!

We ended the day with a trip to the play park and saved enough time to stop in at the butchers to pick up some essentials for Gramps birthday supper, his ultimate favourite sausage and mash.  With the boys worn out and safely tucked up in bed we settled down to a well earned glass of red and yummy supper.

Thank you Gramps for a wonderful week.  We appreciate your love and support more than you'll ever know and love you very much...... and in the words of William "we love nanny too!"



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